Joe & Juju
From his settlement for a botched scalp reduction Joe got awarded only six grand. Four for the pain and two for the embarrassment. His once roundish bald spot was surgically transformed into a grotesque and completely irreversible oblong. As frustrated as Joe was about the oblong, six grand was definitely going to come in handy (his house needed a new roof).
His wife Juju had other designs on the reward money; she wanted the cash to get her boobs lifted. Joe’s oblong really turned Juju off and she believed her love could be stepped up a notch if he gave her the money. Joe was now in a very difficult position: Leaky roof or squeaky wife? Joe hated hearing his wife squeak and he saw clearly that Juju’s boobs had flown south and were never coming back, so to speak. Though to Joe, replacing a thirty year old roof was a necessity and the manly and responsible thing to do. But, he also knew that it’s manly and responsible to keep your wife satisfied. Joe tried hard to convince Juju about the doctrine of necessity over vanity but Juju bit back:
“Don’t give me that crap Joe,” she said. “Who the hell says upright boobs aren’t a necessity? I had to hear you bitch and moan about your stupid bald spot for 10 years and I didn’t give you the old tired needs over wants routine. You’re right Joe, I don’t need or want perkier boobs, I desire them, and desire Joe, is beyond anything your oblong head can seem to grasp!”
It hurt Joe deeply to see Juju so bitingly upset and it hurt him even more deeply when she called him oblong head. The roof wasn’t leaking yet and Joe thought that maybe with any luck they could make it through one more rainy summer. And it was true that Juju didn’t give Joe any tired speeches when he took out a high interest personal loan for his scalp reduction surgery. But, he thought, what if Juju’s boob lift goes bad? What if Juju’s boobs end up all lumpy and/or get too shelfy?
At the end of the day Joe knew that he was a big hypocrite because he remembered his own dreamy desire to reduce the circumference of his bald spot. Now it was Juju’s turn to get her wish granted.
Joe gave Juju the six grand. The surgery went perfect. No lumps, not too shelfy. Her boobs stuck out like champs, like perfectly ripe fruit just waiting to be plucked..
Only Joe wasn’t going to be partaking of any of that plucking.
Not too soon after, as you might have predicted, Juju left Joe for a man with a full thick head of hair who owned a big house with a very expensive roof.
It killed poor Joe to think of Juju’s hands gliding through her new lover’s thick full head of hair, while kissing and love making under his Terra Cotta shingles. Joe tried hard to find the lesson in it all. He scratched his oblong and wondered where the elusive silver lining might be.
The sad part was, there was no silver lining. Joe’s life was a big lie and a constant suck-fest. He asked himself constantly when this would all stop. Why was he so short? Why did he have to go bald at nineteen? Why did he only have nine toes?
One night Joe was sitting in the dark at his kitchen table thinking about Juju’s breasts, how incredible they had looked after surgery. Joe closed his eyes. He cupped and squeezed gently at the air with his outstretched hands. Hands that never got nor ever will get to touch those youthful appearing breasts. He looked out the window and the moon had a squiggly streak of cloud for a mouth like Charlie Brown. He saw it as the sign that he needed. He cranked open the window and screamed, “Fuck You Charlie Brown! Fuck You!”
From that night on Joe decided that he was too cautious...too clean. So, he went and had his oblong tattooed with hellish flames like the old Hindenburg disaster. Then he got his high forehead implanted with titanium balls, dyed green the rest of his thinning hair and had his tongue bifurcated. He went from geek to scary freak in a week. He loved it now when people gawked at him in public. He reasoned, a gawk is way better than nothing. Joe felt alive for the first time in his safe life. One day he saw JuJu and Mr. Expensive Roof at the new organic supermarket giggling and playing around with the oversized cucumbers. He walked up close behind them. When they turned around their eyes immediately met his yellow cat eye contacts and they dropped their phallic missiles. Joe showed off his new tongue, entwining the tips like snakes in love.
~John Walter