Baby Derrida

As soon as mom left the kitchen baby started staring me down, eyeballing me, giving me the death eye. I said, what’s up with you baby? Why are you looking at me like that? Baby responded by saying, fuck you, you’re ugly and your wife dresses you funny.
I said, you need to stop baby, cause you’re only 7 months old and you’re really creeping me out. Baby said, I hope you drown in a glass of water! So I got all up in baby’s face and said, I don’t know what the hell is happening right now, I don’t know if something’s got into your apple sauce or... Baby cut me off and said, maybe something’s got into your beer. I said, fuck you too baby! Just then mom walked back into the kitchen and said, did you just say fuck you to baby? I said, yes, because baby told me to fuck off and wished that I’d drown in a glass of water. Mom said, how can someone drown in a glass of water? I said, I know, that’s what I’m saying. So mom got all up in baby’s face and said, how can someone drown in a glass of water? Baby answered with regurgitated peas. Mom wiped the green lava flow from baby’s chin and said, this baby’s got no talk you crazy ass fool! You must be hearing things again! What’s got into that beer of yours? I said, baby said the same thing, and it’s funny because you know that I don’t drink beer. Baby pounded his dinner biscuit fist on the feeding tray and said, I know that dad doesn’t drink beer, but I know that in some possible world...what I mean to say is that dad drinking beer is what you’d call a.... contingent proposition. Of course we all know that in the real world dad drinks White Zinfandel, and that’s kind of femme, and that’s okay, nothing against femme, oh please, just let me have my silly little conceptual world where my dad drinks beer. Mom, already jaded by the fact that baby’s now talking – let alone like some continental philosopher – slapped me across the back of my head and said, baby’s right, White Zin is femme. I said, maybe I need to start drinking beer if that will make you guys happy. Then baby said, only if you crush the can like this when you’re finished. Which baby demonstrated by squishing his juice box with a surprisingly powerful hand.